Thursday, April 21, 2011

Oh Chelsea, You Let Me Down

I already admitted that Chelsea Handler can apparently sell me stuff and I'm still trying to get back the ass I had at age 21, so when "Body Confidence" by Mark MacDonald arrived in the mail, I gave it a try.

There's nothing revolutionary about the concepts in the book, especially since I spent many years in a past life as an aerobics instructor and personal trainer: Speed up your metabolism by eating every 3 hours, eat 6 small 250 calorie meals (or 300 for men) every day so your body can metabolize the food and keep your blood sugar regulated, eat 25 grams of protein at every meal, and so on.

The 1st 10 days are the most restrictive--see above, but on top of that there is no sugar, no flour, no....well, pretty much nothing but meat, eggs/egg whites, and vegetables and an occassional protein bar or protein drink and a couple other things. This is to take you out of your "heavy" weight and bring you down to your "set-point" weight so you can start the "real" nutrition plan that is much like what I already mentioned but with the addition of a little dairy and other items.


Today I start the 10th day of the plan and I may do 1 more week before I toss it.

I'm considering 1 more week because it says in the book most people lose weight in the 1st 10 days, but in the Foreword it says that Chelsea gained weight during the 1st 2 weeks and THEN started to lose afterward. So I'm keeping that in mind.

Am I hungry? No.
Am I craving sugar? No. Although it does sound heavenly.
Do I have more energy like the author claims you will have? NO.
Have I lost any weight? NO.
Have my measurements reduced since I started? NO.
Does my ass look any different than it did 10 days ago? NO.
Is the food so boring that I'd rather not eat than eat it? Yes.

What HAS changed, however, is the knowledge that I'm not the biggest fan of meat. I'm not a vegetarian at all, but when FORCED to eat chicken or turkey or tuna several times a day, I am just annoyed. Also annoying---eating every 3 hours. I'm not interested in food enough to eat every 3 hours--I even set a little timer on my Blackberry to remind me. By day 3 I wanted to throw my Blackberry out a window anytime it went off to remind me to eat some damn meat, but I ate anyway.

I also learned that I hate the smell of meat cooking in my home and how the scent gets into clothes and hair and lingers in the air. (Yes, I've cooked meat a million times, but do it a couple times a day and everything smells like it.) Yesterday I decided fine, I'll have meat for dinner, but today I'm turning to salad with tuna in it, oatmeal with a protein drink, protein bars and protein shakes for other meals, which is the opposite of what is recommended in the book. I just can't take it anymore.

I don't understand how someone can spend their entire day focused on food and eating hour after hour day after day long term. I think I'd give up the will to live if I were faced with that kind of existence.

On the bright side, when I get done with this plan (maybe tomorrow, maybe in 1 week, unless I see fantastic results in that final week...) I will vow to try and reduce sugar and carbs, just because frankly, they're not great for you. But the truth is I'm never going to be a high protein or meat at every meal person. I just don't like it enough.


Sorry, Mark, but I have a life to live---and it includes thinking about things other than protein.....

That said, it's time to come up with a "Plan B" for bikini season.